Questioning your sexuality or gender
Updated
Maybe you have started wondering whether you are gay, bi, trans, nonbinary, ace or something else. Maybe you have known for a while and are not sure what to do with it. Or maybe the labels around you just don't seem to fit.
Questioning is normal, and there is no deadline. You don't need to be certain, pick a label, or tell anyone before you are ready. Lots of people work it out over years, and some are happiest never using a label at all.
Exploring at your own pace
- Read and watch stories from people who have been through it. Hearing how others describe it can help you find words for your own feelings.
- Try a label on in your head or in a journal and see how it feels. You are allowed to change your mind.
- Notice who you feel drawn to, and how you feel about your body and your name, without having to decide anything yet.
- Be choosy about where you look online. Some spaces are kind and some are not, and you don't owe strangers an explanation of who you are.
- If an adult you met online asks you to keep secrets, send photos or meet up, stop talking to them and tell an adult you trust.
Thinking about coming out
- Coming out is your choice, on your timeline. Nobody is owed it.
- Many people start with the one person they feel safest with, like a friend, a sibling, a relative or a school counsellor.
- Think about safety first. If you are not sure how your family will react, it is okay to wait, or to tell someone outside your home first.
- You can do it in whatever way feels easiest: in person, in a message or in a letter.
- If it doesn't go the way you hoped, the first reaction is not always the last. Some people need time, and you deserve support while they catch up.
If people around you are unkind
Teasing, rumours or people asking whether you are "really" anything can hurt a lot. You don't have to prove who you are to anyone. If it is happening at school, a teacher or counsellor you trust can help, and if someone is threatening you or sharing things about you without your permission, tell an adult.
Places to talk
- In the US, The Trevor Project (thetrevorproject.org) is there for LGBTQ+ young people by call, text or chat, day and night.
- Trans Lifeline (translifeline.org) is a peer line run by and for trans people.
- Outside the US, findahelpline.com lists free lines by country, including ones for LGBTQ+ people.
When to get more help
Talk to an adult you trust, a doctor or a helpline if:
- Feeling confused, different or hidden is making you feel low or anxious most days.
- Someone has outed you, or you are being bullied or threatened because of who you are.
- You are worried you won't be safe at home if your family finds out.
- You feel hopeless, or have thoughts of hurting yourself. Please reach out to a helpline or an adult you trust now.
You don't have to work it out alone
Gender & Sexuality is one of the most active topics on Avelune. You can ask questions, try out words for yourself and talk to people who have wondered the same things, all anonymously, without anyone in your life finding out unless you choose to tell them.
Avelune is peer support, not a clinical service. This page is general information, not medical advice.