Every conversation with your parents turns into an argument
Updated
Some days it feels like you can't say anything without it turning into a fight. You ask a question and it's backtalk, you go quiet and you're sulking, you explain yourself and you're arguing.
It is one of the most common things teenagers describe. It usually says more about stress, worry and how hard it is for parents to adjust to you growing up than it does about you being a bad kid.
When it starts to heat up
- Lower your voice instead of matching theirs. It is hard, and it often cools things down faster than anything you could say.
- Ask for a pause: "Can I have ten minutes before I answer? I want to answer this properly." Then come back when you said you would.
- Pick the one thing you most want them to hear. A conversation that tries to cover everything usually settles nothing.
- Start with how it feels rather than what they did. "I feel like nothing I say comes out right" lands differently from "you always twist everything."
- If you need to leave the room, say so calmly rather than walking out mid-sentence.
Getting heard when things are calm
The middle of an argument is the worst time to fix anything. A calmer moment, in the car, on a walk or over a message, often goes better. Some people find it easier to write down what they mean, because nobody gets interrupted.
It can help to ask what they are actually worried about. A lot of strict rules come from fear, and naming it ("are you worried I'll get hurt?") can change the whole conversation.
Looking after yourself
- Have somewhere to cool down: your room, headphones, a walk, a friend's house you are allowed to go to.
- Talk to another adult you trust, like a relative, a teacher or a school counsellor. They can sometimes help both sides hear each other.
- A hard stretch at home is not a verdict on who you are.
When to get more help
Talk to an adult you trust, a doctor or a helpline if:
- Arguments happen most days and you dread going home.
- You feel low, anxious or on edge most of the time because of what is going on at home.
- Someone at home threatens you or makes you feel afraid. That is more than a normal argument, and a teacher, a counsellor or a helpline can help.
- You feel unsafe at home or have thoughts of hurting yourself. Please reach out to a helpline or an adult you trust now.
You don't have to work it out alone
Plenty of people on Avelune post about home, and how hard it is when nobody there seems to listen. You can post anonymously, say what you can't say at home, and hear from people who have been in the same spot.
Avelune is peer support, not a clinical service. This page is general information, not medical advice.