Your parents are splitting up
Updated
Finding out your parents are separating can turn everything upside down at once: where you live, how holidays work, who you see on which days, and how you feel about each of them.
Whatever you feel about it is allowed. Relief, anger, sadness, guilt and numbness can all show up, sometimes on the same day.
Things worth knowing
- It is not your fault. Parents separate because of things between the two of them, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
- You don't have to pick a side, carry messages between them, or keep secrets for either one.
- You don't have to shield younger brothers or sisters from all of it on your own. You can be kind to them and still ask an adult for help.
- It is okay to love both parents, and okay to be angry with one or both of them too.
Things that can help
- Ask the questions you actually have: where you will live, what changes and what stays the same. Not knowing is often harder than the answer.
- Keep some things steady that are yours: a sport, friends, music, a routine before bed.
- Say it to someone outside the family. A friend, a teacher or a school counsellor can be a place to put it down for a while.
- If you are moving between two homes, keep a few of your own things in both, so neither one feels like a hotel.
If home is tense
Sometimes separation comes after a long stretch of fighting, and the arguing can get worse before it gets better. If you end up in the middle of it, it is okay to leave the room, put headphones on or go somewhere calmer. Keeping the peace is not your job.
When to get more help
Talk to an adult you trust, a doctor or a helpline if:
- You have felt sad, angry or numb most days for more than a few weeks.
- You have stopped eating or sleeping properly, or stopped wanting to see friends.
- You are scared of either parent, or the arguing has turned into threats. Tell a teacher, a counsellor or a helpline.
- You feel unsafe or have thoughts of hurting yourself. Please reach out to a helpline or an adult you trust now.
You don't have to work it out alone
Lots of people on Avelune have been through their parents splitting up, or are going through it right now. You can post about it anonymously, without anyone in your family seeing, and hear how others got through the same thing.
Avelune is peer support, not a clinical service. This page is general information, not medical advice.